Understanding Anticipatory Grief: When Loss Comes Before It Happens

Many of us know what grief feels like when someone we love is gone, the silence, the absence, the ache that fills the room.

But what about the grief that comes before the loss? The sadness that creeps in while the people, pets, or dreams we hold close are still with us?

This is called anticipatory grief. Although it is less widely discussed, it is something I see often in my practice as a psychotherapist.

What Is Anticipatory Grief?

Anticipatory grief is the emotional response we experience when we know a significant loss is inevitably coming. It can show up long before the actual goodbye.

While most people associate grief with death, anticipatory grief can appear in many contexts:

• Caring for a partner with a terminal illness

• Preparing to say goodbye to a beloved pet

• Grieving the loss of a future that will never unfold, such as the dream of having biological children

Psychological research has long acknowledged this type of grief. As early as the 1940s, psychiatrist Erich Lindemann described anticipatory grief in families of soldiers during World War II. Later, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, known for her work on the five stages of grief, highlighted that many caregivers and patients themselves begin grieving long before death occurs (Kübler-Ross, 1969).

Through the Eyes of Clients

In my work, I’ve seen anticipatory grief take many forms.

The Pet Parent

One client described sitting with her sixteen-year-old golden retriever who had been diagnosed with cancer, gently stroking his fur as he slept. Every sigh, every step felt like both a blessing and a countdown. She found herself crying at night, already grieving his absence while he was still alive.

The Partner

Another client shared what it was like to care for his wife in hospice. She was still present, still smiling at him, but slipping away in small ways each day. He mourned the road trips they would never take again in the RV she loved so much, and the retirement years they had planned together. His grief was not only for her eventual passing, but for the life they once shared that was already out of reach.

The Son

A son once told me about watching his father decline with dementia. He described it as “losing my dad in slow motion.” His father was still alive, still sitting at the kitchen table, but the conversations that once carried so much wisdom and humor had grown shorter, sometimes disappearing into silence. He grieved the father who had taught him to ride a bike, who gave advice about work and life, who always knew how to make him laugh. Although his dad’s body remained, the essence of who he was seemed to slip further away each week.

The Dreamers

And for couples facing infertility, I’ve witnessed the grief that arises when the dream of having biological children fades. They often describe grieving the children they imagined, the family photos that will never be taken, the bedtime stories and traditions that wouldn’t be passed down. This type of grief is no less real simply because the loss is abstract or future-oriented.

The Emotional Weight of Anticipatory Grief

Many people in this space wrestle with painful questions:

“Was there something I could have done? Is this somehow my fault?”

Alongside the sadness, there can be waves of shame, anger, guilt, or even despair. These emotions can make anticipatory grief feel disorienting.

Clients often ask me, “Am I wrong to feel this way already?”

The truth is no. These feelings are not wrong; they are profoundly human responses to the awareness that change is coming and that something deeply loved will eventually be gone—or may never come at all.

Why Awareness Matters

Anticipatory grief often goes unrecognized, both by those experiencing it and by the people around them.

Friends may try to comfort by saying things like, “At least you still have time.” But for someone living with anticipatory grief, that time can feel bittersweet, even painful, because it highlights what is about to be lost.

When we name anticipatory grief for what it is, we remove the stigma and allow people to seek support without feeling like something is “wrong” with them.

How to Cope with Anticipatory Grief

If you find yourself in this space, the first step is to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. Grieving in advance does not mean you love any less, nor does it mean you’ll grieve less later. It simply means your heart is trying to process what is coming.

Here are some ways to cope:

• Talk openly with others,whether that’s a therapist, a support group, or friends.

• Create meaningful moments with the person or pet you are preparing to lose: write letters, record memories, share stories, or simply be present together.

• Take care of yourself. Grief, even anticipatory grief, is exhausting. Rest when you need to, nourish your body, and use grounding practices like journaling, meditation, or mindful walking.

• Remember: anticipatory grief is not about “moving on early.” It doesn’t diminish the grief you will feel after the loss. What it does is offer space to begin processing, and sometimes, it allows for more intentional goodbyes.

Closing Reflections

As a therapist, I see anticipatory grief as a reflection of love. It reminds us how deeply connected we are to others and how intertwined our lives have become with theirs.

If you are experiencing anticipatory grief right now, know that you are not alone. It comes in many forms, and you are not broken for grieving “too soon.”

You are simply human, loving deeply in the face of change.

If this resonates with you, I encourage you to seek support. You do not have to carry this weight alone.

You can book a free discovery call here.

Heather Smith-19-9.25

References

• Lindemann, E. (1944). Symptomatology and Management of Acute Grief. American Journal of Psychiatry, 101(2), 141–148.

• Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. Macmillan.